Ayahuasca Journal December 2015

 

I made a batch of super potent Ayahuasca potion.  I made two separate batches, one with mimosa hostilis, in which I boiled down a half kilo into about four shots of liquid (which was incredibly stiff to drink), and the second batch was purely banisteriopsis caapi, in which I boiled down 150 grams into about two shots.  I like to make the potion as strong as humanly possible to have to drink the least amount for the most effect, and over the years I’ve developed an incredibly high tolerance to hallucinogens to the point where even an enormous dose will barely get me to break through.  But, the stuff works, and I do everything the wrong way as far as any expert would say the right way is the way to do it.  For one thing, I’m taking an antipsychotic every day for my schizoaffective disorder, and I am also a chronic and terminal insomniac so I need those pills to sleep.  Without them, I don’t think I would sleep for many days on end and would be hallucinating wildly before I lost consciousness.  Also, I’d be in incredible physical and mental anguish without my daily dose of antipsychotic medication.  Also, I do not adhere to the necessary dietary restrictions on sugar and salt and foods containing tyrosine, as I have little to no sense of self preservation towards my physical health.  I also will not cut off sexual activity at all before, sometimes even during, and always after using Ayahuasca.  I never claimed to be a shaman or a “pro” at this, in fact I’m not even a pretender of being good at it, but I’ve developed a deep faith in the usefulness of Ayahuasca even with my condition and mistakes. For one thing, it puts me to sleep by itself, without any pills, and I feel good going to sleep and have good dreams when I take it, and also wake up feeling good in a way that never happens without it.  For another thing, I’ve noticed the long term consequences of using Ayahuasca, even without following the rules, are inevitably positive towards my psychological and emotional well being.  It must be an incredibly forgiving Goddess, because I have no regrets, and I’ve used it almost a dozen times in the past eight years, all but two times in the past year and a half or so.

In any case, I woke up from an antipsychotic sleep period in a state of disrepair, and I was upset by what had happened in my sleep.  I took it because I was considering taking it for some time, and I needed a change.  I daily hallucinate voices talking about “the victimizer” who is apparently telepathically using some kind of sorcery to inflict my mind with suffering, which usually makes me just feel like “fucking back”, and I do, successfully, according to the voices.  It feels good to hear about how messed up “the victimizer” is becoming, and occasionally I hit a high note and the voices say “the victimizer’s mind is becoming unhinged”, I love that, I’m aiming for that.  Whatever, they call him “the victimizer”, so what do I care?  In the spirit of Carlos Castaneda and his teacher Don Juan’s teachings about “petty tyrants”, who inflict their victims with suffering purely for self gain and nothing more, I figure the worst thing that could happen is for “the victimizer” to ever really get their way with me.  So I fuck back, and I like it.  
I woke up that morning, and I started by drinking, of course on an empty stomach, first the caapi brew, and I waited a few minutes to let it settle, I drank about half of it, which is around 75 grams of dried plant matter.  I then took as much of the DMT (dimethyltryptamine) mix of mimosa hostilis boiled as I could stomach without immediately puking, and I held it down for about twenty minutes.  Then the overwhelming need to vomit took over, and I puked my guts up, gratefully, in the sink.  This is a touch drink for anyone to stomach, and has to be held no matter what for at least fifteen to twenty minutes for effect to take place.  

I didn’t do anything specific with myself, regarding any kind of “ceremony” or even listened to music.  Instead, I got drowsy, and went to bed.  I felt total wellbeing lying in bed, and my vision would occasionally peak into vivid scenes from World of Warcraft, which I play all the time, and I noticed the visions were of the levels that I was playing several days previously.  I don’t know why Ayahuasca took me to my past, as often it leads to seeing the future, and I’m curious to know if I understand anything about these visions over time.  It would have to come to me by itself, I don’t analyze these things, I just take in what happens and that’s what happens.  I fell asleep and had vivid dreams which I cannot remember now, though I recalled them when I woke up that following morning, which I almost always do normally.

Since then, I’ve felt a new connection to myself, hitting points internally that have made me feel more empowered with my mind and psychosis, and the possible sorcery of this victimizer and me and other’s involved, as I hear many voices.  I wish to take Ayahuasca regularly, maybe on a daily basis, perhaps for as long as a month straight, to see the outcome.  I have a sort of life or death faith in this medicine, and I trust I will be appreciative of its effects on me, as I find it intrinsically rewarding.  I wish to write this blog partly to give firsthand experience, and also to get free mimosa hostilis from this wonderful website, that is so generously offering their wares for our service to the community of people who are interesting in learning about these things.
In the past few days since I took “The Medicine”, I’ve been able to slip into real visionary states when going to bed in a way that is revolutionary for my current states of mind.  I want more, much more.  I was born to be interested in vision as a thing to be learned and discovered.  As a boy, I was an avid reader, far ahead of my age for many years, and I can recall “visioning” the books that I read.  Once I would begin to read, my mind would disconnect from reality entirely and I would simply see what I was reading, not even recognizing in my perceptions that there were words being read, rather just literally dreaming the books awake.  I could do this and live in a state of timeless bliss for up to eight hours at a stretch by the time I was four years old, reading books meant for middle schoolers.  As I aged, I naturally lost this latent ability to vision, and I recall feeling the encroachment of “the malaise of modern man”, which is literally and basically a disconnection from one’s human soul.  I simply stopped being able to vision as much, I would start seeing the words more, and I was aware of this and it bothered me, as it was one of my greatest joys in life to vision at any point in my life.  

In any case, I became heavily involved with psychoactive drugs at the beginning of high school, having taken my first mushroom trip when I was only fourteen, acid at fifteen, cough medicine, PCP, extacy, etc. anything and everything that came my way I took, a la Hunter Thompson, and honestly, the thing I hated the most was being a pothead.  I was regularly using weed because it was a social norm with my friends, and I literally hated it to the point of being absolutely miserable about every single thing in my entire life, up until the point when I would swing manic, which would trigger me to enjoy pot for some reason.  I was diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) when I was fourteen, as I seemed to get depressed during the fall and winter months and would become happy with things in the Spring and Summer.

By the beginning of my senior year in high school, I had used, in large doses, magic mushrooms, LSD, PCP, and DXM (cough medicine) a total of over forty times.  That’s in three years, three formative years.  I was due up for a complete nervous breakdown, and I had it handed to me.

We took microdots one day, a day that a group of friends from two different states, the Philadelphia area friends coming up to southeastern CT to party, all hung out together and tripped.  What happened to me was absolutely staggering.  I had one friend with me that was responding to my thoughts out loud while I was in a state of existential crisis and internally freaking out.  He was perfect, he could hear me like I was speaking out loud.  I was a wreck the following day, and the downward spiral of my meltdown was a horror story to be witnessed by anyone around me.  Everywhere I looked, many people were upset and hurt, I had hurt myself and my soul was hurting other people with its own pain.  I stayed alone the whole winter, occasionally counseling a rape victim informally at my house, while I contemplated suicide on my own time in my backyard.  One of the manifestations of my breakdown was a feeling of leaving my body and causing people around me to cough out loud.  This happened uncontrollably while I struggled to get a grip the whole year.  I stayed away from classes for the fall and winter months of my senior year, “senioritis”, they called it, but I just didn’t want to be a disruption to the school.  It was the loneliness and hardest time of my life that I had ever known, and I really wished to die for the duration of the winter.  

In the meantime, I was getting counseled by a social worker who had been trained for twenty years as a native American shaman, a medicine man, and he helped me put my mind back together over many moons.  By springtime, my mood had lifted, and I was interested in girls again, being then fit and muscular and people still considered me cool even through all of it.  I fell in love in April, in Bavaria, while we drove past the Alps on a school trip through southern Germany and Austria.  I was sitting on a bus next to a girl I didn’t know, and she was asleep while I sat quietly and appreciated the Euro trip.  At one moment, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, and I went into a trance and a dream of a train going around a mountain.  When I opened my eyes the girl was awake and looking at me deeply, and she simply said, “I was dreaming”.  I answered immediately, “I saw a train going around a mountain”.  She blurted out, “So did I!”  She became my only girlfriend in high school immediately after this trip.
I broke up with this girl shortly after graduation.  She was going on to college and I was basically still a confused, scared kid, and I didn’t know what was good for me.  I decided to work for a living, and this turned out to be a living nightmare of mental symptoms and internalization of emotional and psychological hell.  After two years of this, paying for everything in my life, buying and then crashing a car, and getting a certificate in Baking and Pastry Arts, I was put on medication for the first time and at first, I fought it.  I didn’t want to take the pills and I didn’t think I needed them.  I got into a whole mess of trouble one evening shortly before my first semester at college where I picked up a hooker and went to a crack house, got into a hit and run, and almost fainted in front of police officers.  When I went home I took the medication finally and stuck to it for months.  

The meds made me gain weight, and my previously fit and trim body blew up in a few short months while my mind was stable.  This induced me to quit the meds and lose weight, which I did, and I tripped a few times in the meantime and really blew my gaskets.  In the summer of 2003, I went to Portugal, where two enormous spiritual experiences occurred.

The first was an episode with the wind.  I was sitting by a pool at a resort with men, women, and children sitting and playing together around and in the pool.  I turned my attention to Jesus Christ, and the strange myths about his death with natural occurrences supposedly happening when they killed him.  A great wind, lightning striking, etc.  As I thought of this, the wind picked up around the pool to a near gale force, with women running to get their children and people looking scared with this sudden freak wind.  I thought in my head, “Stop”, and the wind died down immediately.  This experience and the next led me to the psychotic belief that I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ, the holder of his original soul.
The next spiritual experience to occur was an act of telekinesis involving a door that I slammed shut from a distance.  The group of college students I was with were arguing in the other room, and I got annoyed listening to them, standing next to the bedroom door.  The door to the outside was wide open, and I just said, “fuck ‘em” and flipped my hand in a dismissive gesture, which then slammed the door shut as if I’d grabbed it and pulled it with my body, hard.  I knew what had happened and I went into a daze immediately, staggered into the bedroom, and collapsed onto the bed where I blacked out on the spot.  

When I woke up, things were very different.  I felt trippy and strange, and I had not thought of the incident with the door or the wind after waking.  That even, a third spiritual occurrence happened, this one involving a bona fide ghost.  
In the Spiritualist Church, ghost phenomena and telekinesis are well documented as scientific fact that is repeatable and observable, and I’d read in a book about Spiritualism the way that ghosts communicate.  They knock on doors and walls, and this is what happened.  I was lying in bed with my roommate in the bed on the other side of the room, and there was a knock at the front door.  I went to open it, and no one was there.  I shrugged my shoulders and walked back to the bedroom, when there was another knock at the door.  This made my mind turn to what I’d read in the book about Spiritualism and spirits knocking, and so I tried something.

I asked out loud, “Spirit, are you here?” There was one knock on the wall of our room, like a fist of flesh had hit it, though nothing was there.  I then thought quickly and tried to remember anything I could that I’d read.  One knock means yes, two knocks means no was all I could come up with.  Suddenly inspired, I asked if the spirit was from a living person’s body, or from the afterlife.  Two knocks, which I took to mean from the afterlife, as it was the second question I asked.  I then asked an obvious question in my mind.  “Do you need help?” I asked out loud.  There was a feeling of the presence leaving the room, I believe it was incredulous at the time because I was in desperate need of help myself.  It had come to help me, not the other way around. It came back and then I thought in my mind about what it wanted me to do.  Immediately I heard a kind of buzzing sound in my head, and instinctually I knew what to do.  I sunk into the buzzing and quickly slipped into the most beautiful lucid dream I’d ever had in my life.
I was back in America, in a world within our world, where people lived in “the mind”, a dream world for a community to share.  It was a village by a river with deeply detailed and intricate, textured wood that the homes were made of. The whole scenery was like a trip, more real than real, and I knew what I had to do.  I went to find my ex girlfriend’s man in the dream, as I needed him to take me to her.  I found him in his home and he took me to Leah, the girlfriend I’d had after breaking up with my high school sweetheart.  She was in bad shape, flipping out, and I talked her down.  Then I woke up.

I have often had lucid dreams with spiritual experiences associated with them.  Since I began taking Ayahuasca in 2008, I have experienced scores of lucid dreams about levitation, flying, having sex, falling in love, being a ghost and also being affected by spiritual forces like ghosts and aliens.  When I was twenty six, I took Ayahuasca for the first time in my life.  The experience was vivid and powerful.  I had visions of flying through white and orange cloud-like scenery and I felt uplifted and elevated.  I was listening to Jimi Hendrix and felt waves and waves of euphoria go through my entire being.  

A friend of mine called me shortly into the trip, maybe twenty minutes after I came up, and I babbled and laughed on the phone with him in a great mood.  He was catching my vibe and was laughing along with me, seeing that I was happy.  I then talked to my girlfriend, who did not know that I was tripping.

I was in a good mood but when we went out for dinner that evening with my girlfriend and my family, an awful thing happened.  I heard a voice say to me “you are stupid”, and I started yelling in my head that I would kill them.  I was already hearing voices attack me before I took the Ayahuasca, in fact, when I took it sober I was hallucinating due to my schizophrenic condition.  What I did that day (and many times with my condition) was a mistake, though in many ways it paid off somehow regardless.  I did everything incorrectly, no abstinence from sex, no special diet, and I was taking a prescription medication while I took the Ayahuasca.  An antipsychotic medication actually called Geodon, which I’ve taken for the past eight years.  What resulted was a crash of my moods.  I fell into a deep depression, and my past year of occasional drinking which I had kept unknown to my girlfriend who thought I was sober was affecting me to feel awful guilt and shame.  
One day, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke down and confessed to her everything that I’d done.  She was upset but I was bawling crying, thinking she would leave me and I’d be alone again.  In this case I was wrong, she didn’t leave me for another four years or so, though I continued to drink occasionally and against her desire and hurt her feelings in this way.

The second time I took Ayahuasca was in the spring of 2009.  I was then driving my own car and still in the relationship with my girlfriend, and we had had a separation of sorts sexually for the previous several months, during which time I had been crying a lot and very lonely.  In the Spring, she had some pot and I had some Ayahuasca, and I took the Ayahuasca again, this time smoking some pot after the effect set in.  
The experience was profound and moving.  I don’t recall what music I listened to, however, I remember watching the vivid scenes of imagery on the computer screen for windows XP windows media player randomization effect, which produced varied colors and shapes that move and turn and change with the music.  I was able to predict these changes for the duration of time of the trip, as I watched it I began feeling as though I was inclined to “ask” the Ayahuasca to produce effects of my desire in the imagery, and I noticed with awe that the effects would immediately become manifested on the computer screen.

I remember going back to my girlfriend’s house afterwards and talking with her.  It was April and warm out in our area of Massachusetts.  I recall saying things that, in my mind, would have multiple layers of meaning attached to them, like a multidimensional way of speaking.  This seemed special and the time was special for me and romantic, and we spent the summer together hanging out and having fun, smoking pot and making love.  It was wonderful.
The kinds of spiritual experiences I’ve had are along the lines of the Spiritualist Church as well as Native American spirituality and shamanism.  In 2013 and 2014 I took harmine and harmaline and was able to predict or somehow affect tornado occurrences in our area.  It is unusual for there to be tornado activity in Massachusetts, however, during those years there were several big ones that came through.

In 2013, I took harmine and then shortly after started envisioning a swirling, spirally energy of light and air spinning in front of my eyes as I paced in circles around the kitchen of my parents’ home, alone.  I did this for three days, and on the third day, “Eureka!” I saw on the news a tornado coming through Western Mass towards my home area closer to Boston.  I felt that I had envisioned it into being, that my Intent had produced the result of creating the storm, and in my own defense I intended no harm to anyone, I just wanted to know if I could produce a result like that.  Apparently it worked, or so it seemed.

In 2014 I was again using Ayahuasca and I had a moment when I was driving where I suddenly was hit by a flash of inspiration.  I wanted a tornado to touch down briefly and then go back up and disappear, leaving a survivor and no one hurt.  Someone who would believe in the grace of God at work in their life, like a gift to them.  I envisioned a storm like this and recited improvisational poetry to go with the vision, and a week later (exactly seven days, the first one was three days, I don’t know why but these numbers are always biblical), the exact event occurred and it was on the news.  I watched in a state of joy as the survivor described being caught in a car while the sudden and quick storm raged overhead, then it suddenly left without notice and disappeared.  Amazing.
I spent the year of 2013-2014 either smoking pot or drinking, and I used magic mushrooms once at the end of 13 before becoming a full time pot head.  After I ended up being a pot head, I wrote a book of poetry that I needed to work on quite a bit to get ready for publication, but It was enjoyable to write it and a lot of fun.  I also had an idea of an apocalypse novel based on the real world in the future, maybe around 2070 or 2080 with supercomputers and other technology so advanced that we can’t even imagine it now, also a global warming crisis where there is an early ice age because of that issue.  I took Ayahuasca in 2014 four times and it contributed to my belief that the world is in crisis and heading in the wrong direction, as many native people believe as well.  I hope to write and publish this novel which may be a trilogy over the next decade, and make it to Hollywood if possible.  

The times I took Ayahuasca in 2014 I was very amazed to feel the presence of the immediate moment, the dancing, singing, and laughing that came with it seemed wonderful, and the hallucinations were mostly voices of people coming out of my TV that I was watching, which was Alice in Wonderland.  I’ve taken Ayahuasca several times since then, and always to quit a drug habit that I have, first the drinking, then the Adderall and the smoking of tobacco.  I hope to continue using it in the future to make my life better and learn from this amazing plant teacher.