first Ayahuasca journey in the Netherlands
25 Jan 2019
This report is about my first Ayahuasca journey that I did recently in the Netherlands. It was with a host and was my first psychedelic inner journey in the same time.
After taking the tea we started with a one hour chakra meditation during which I gradually slipped into my "inner space".
The process was undetectable, nearly like falling asleep: you are waiting to catch the moment when it happens, but suddenly you are just asleep, and you can't remember the next morning when it happened.
Except it is not like falling asleep.
Oh boy.
Much more like waking up.
I found myself on a seemingly endless plain of grey ashes wherever I looked with grey clouds above my head. I had the feeling of the "self" but also there was an emerging sensation present that I`m much more than what I`m experiencing as myself on a daily basis (I`ll tell a bit more about it later).
I felt like I was being watched. Looked up, and saw a giant eagle looking down at me. In that state of my mind I knew that this eagle was a very intelligent, all-knowing entity that came to answer what I had to ask it. And I asked the most important and most obvious question that always bothered me throughout my life: why am I here on earth?
"You have job to do there." the eagle answered and it felt a bit like it was laughing at me. Not sardonically, more like just someone who is having a good time.
"I know genius" answered I. "But what is that?" The eagle went serious and said: "To enjoy it. But I thought you knew that already."
The answer ashamed and humbled me but cheered me up in the same time. So I can just live freely, instead of taking those heavy burdens I felt I had to carry and put up with?? Fair enough, should`ve figured it out by now.
After this scene I was wondering around a little bit in the void of my mind, observing beautiful fractal curtains - felt like I couldn`t look behind them as if I wasn`t ready yet -, encountering flying animals, and thinking what might come next.
The next scene was a beautiful, hilly countryside with little roads, flowers and sunshine with a few clouds. I felt like I`d been there before, like it was a place I had known for ages, but I couldn`t recall any exact memory about it. By this time the feeling that I`m an eternal being instead of that human I`m identifying myself with became strong and constant. A lady was waiting for me here. Again, I felt like I know her like an old friend, but I didn`t know how. She was dressed like a forest fairy or similar to the skinny Fiona from Shrek, but she was also glowing like and angel. We started a communication that is hard to describe. We weren`t using words, it was more like each other`s messages appeared in our minds in the form of concepts, ideas and emotions. What we talked about I mostly forgot. I have a feeling we discussed what happened with us since we last saw each other but I`m not sure. At one point in the conversation I looked into the distance where I saw something I could best describe as a floating, glowing gate-like thing. I pointed at it and asked the lady what that was. "That is the place where people don`t come back from. You are still going to go back. No one comes back from there." She said. "Is my father there?" asked I. "Yes." she said. "Did he not want to see me?" I asked and suddenly felt very sad.
At this point I have to stop for a moment to say some words about my dad. He was an alcoholic, a violent man, who was also a victim of his childhood. He emotionally abandoned us and lived a very sad life which he finished lonely 6 years ago. In the last roughly 15 years I tried and followed through several techniques to get rid of everything that was him in me, get free from my anger I felt towards him, and to forgive him for my own good. Although I can account some success, the work wasn`t done. Until now.
The lady looked at me with compassion and said: "He couldn`t come because he feels so much shame for what he`d done to you all in his life."
This got me. I felt broken for him. All I felt was love and full forgiveness pouring out of my heart. I didn`t have to try and forgive him any more. I couldn`t not to.
"Tell him that it is all fine. We are only playing roles on Earth. That was his role, and I know he suffered from it, too." I said, and I really felt this way. The lady cheered up, started glowing a little bit more, and responded with a smile: "I will tell him that. It will help him a lot to move on."
I have to stop here again and say something. I`m a bit skeptical about the spiritual world, afterlife, etc. I don`t reject it, more like I`m not really a man of faith: I need good evidence to accept the reality of something. So I don`t know if I was really somewhere, the lady was real, or if my dad was or is still beyond that light-gate. Maybe me going through this was the projection of the Ayahuasca healing my inner traumas, which it is known for among other beneficial features. I don`t know. All I know is that since then everything negative regarding to my dad is gone and I think of him with love and understanding. And it is enough for me.
For the rest of my Ayahuasca journey smaller, but not less powerful things happened to me. Once I found myself flying everywhere searching for a key to free my grandfather from his cage. The old man passed away nearly 20 years ago and we loved each other. During this experience I felt it very important that I find the key and set him free. When I eventually managed to do so and opened the cage, he turned into a bird, made of light, and flew away. I felt endless happiness when it happened. Maybe it was some unresolved grief, I don`t know. In another scene I saw myself as I am the Buddha. Not the historical one, of course, but the state of mind. I realized the truth of the teaching that when you meditate you don`t need to try to reach enlightenment as a goal, like an outside target, you just have to realize that all along you, the Buddha, were there, waiting to be recognized. It was a very powerful experience, and I feel it enriched how I see myself and my meditation. Also, in this state of mind I saw how ridiculous my relationship with money is. Before this experience I liked to save my money and work my ass off, because I felt like I had to have savings and the more money in my account the better it is. Insecurity, clearly. When I saw myself as a Buddha all this seemed nonsense. Why am I, as a god, bothered about saving or losing buttons? I saw myself - and everyone else - playing with buttons, attributing high value to them. It seemed pathetic and childish. Now, some time after the whole trip, back to my "normal" mind, I care about money a lot less. I think my relationship with it is a lot healthier.
These were my main experiences, the main teachings I gained from my Ayahuasca journey. There was also some vomiting, getting rid of baggage, and feeling like the whole universe is loaded into my brain. I think it was the single most profound, most therapeutic and most transformative experience I`ve ever had in my life. I`ll definitely do it again when I`m ready!
After taking the tea we started with a one hour chakra meditation during which I gradually slipped into my "inner space".
The process was undetectable, nearly like falling asleep: you are waiting to catch the moment when it happens, but suddenly you are just asleep, and you can't remember the next morning when it happened.
Except it is not like falling asleep.
Oh boy.
Much more like waking up.
I found myself on a seemingly endless plain of grey ashes wherever I looked with grey clouds above my head. I had the feeling of the "self" but also there was an emerging sensation present that I`m much more than what I`m experiencing as myself on a daily basis (I`ll tell a bit more about it later).
I felt like I was being watched. Looked up, and saw a giant eagle looking down at me. In that state of my mind I knew that this eagle was a very intelligent, all-knowing entity that came to answer what I had to ask it. And I asked the most important and most obvious question that always bothered me throughout my life: why am I here on earth?
"You have job to do there." the eagle answered and it felt a bit like it was laughing at me. Not sardonically, more like just someone who is having a good time.
"I know genius" answered I. "But what is that?" The eagle went serious and said: "To enjoy it. But I thought you knew that already."
The answer ashamed and humbled me but cheered me up in the same time. So I can just live freely, instead of taking those heavy burdens I felt I had to carry and put up with?? Fair enough, should`ve figured it out by now.
After this scene I was wondering around a little bit in the void of my mind, observing beautiful fractal curtains - felt like I couldn`t look behind them as if I wasn`t ready yet -, encountering flying animals, and thinking what might come next.
The next scene was a beautiful, hilly countryside with little roads, flowers and sunshine with a few clouds. I felt like I`d been there before, like it was a place I had known for ages, but I couldn`t recall any exact memory about it. By this time the feeling that I`m an eternal being instead of that human I`m identifying myself with became strong and constant. A lady was waiting for me here. Again, I felt like I know her like an old friend, but I didn`t know how. She was dressed like a forest fairy or similar to the skinny Fiona from Shrek, but she was also glowing like and angel. We started a communication that is hard to describe. We weren`t using words, it was more like each other`s messages appeared in our minds in the form of concepts, ideas and emotions. What we talked about I mostly forgot. I have a feeling we discussed what happened with us since we last saw each other but I`m not sure. At one point in the conversation I looked into the distance where I saw something I could best describe as a floating, glowing gate-like thing. I pointed at it and asked the lady what that was. "That is the place where people don`t come back from. You are still going to go back. No one comes back from there." She said. "Is my father there?" asked I. "Yes." she said. "Did he not want to see me?" I asked and suddenly felt very sad.
At this point I have to stop for a moment to say some words about my dad. He was an alcoholic, a violent man, who was also a victim of his childhood. He emotionally abandoned us and lived a very sad life which he finished lonely 6 years ago. In the last roughly 15 years I tried and followed through several techniques to get rid of everything that was him in me, get free from my anger I felt towards him, and to forgive him for my own good. Although I can account some success, the work wasn`t done. Until now.
The lady looked at me with compassion and said: "He couldn`t come because he feels so much shame for what he`d done to you all in his life."
This got me. I felt broken for him. All I felt was love and full forgiveness pouring out of my heart. I didn`t have to try and forgive him any more. I couldn`t not to.
"Tell him that it is all fine. We are only playing roles on Earth. That was his role, and I know he suffered from it, too." I said, and I really felt this way. The lady cheered up, started glowing a little bit more, and responded with a smile: "I will tell him that. It will help him a lot to move on."
I have to stop here again and say something. I`m a bit skeptical about the spiritual world, afterlife, etc. I don`t reject it, more like I`m not really a man of faith: I need good evidence to accept the reality of something. So I don`t know if I was really somewhere, the lady was real, or if my dad was or is still beyond that light-gate. Maybe me going through this was the projection of the Ayahuasca healing my inner traumas, which it is known for among other beneficial features. I don`t know. All I know is that since then everything negative regarding to my dad is gone and I think of him with love and understanding. And it is enough for me.
For the rest of my Ayahuasca journey smaller, but not less powerful things happened to me. Once I found myself flying everywhere searching for a key to free my grandfather from his cage. The old man passed away nearly 20 years ago and we loved each other. During this experience I felt it very important that I find the key and set him free. When I eventually managed to do so and opened the cage, he turned into a bird, made of light, and flew away. I felt endless happiness when it happened. Maybe it was some unresolved grief, I don`t know. In another scene I saw myself as I am the Buddha. Not the historical one, of course, but the state of mind. I realized the truth of the teaching that when you meditate you don`t need to try to reach enlightenment as a goal, like an outside target, you just have to realize that all along you, the Buddha, were there, waiting to be recognized. It was a very powerful experience, and I feel it enriched how I see myself and my meditation. Also, in this state of mind I saw how ridiculous my relationship with money is. Before this experience I liked to save my money and work my ass off, because I felt like I had to have savings and the more money in my account the better it is. Insecurity, clearly. When I saw myself as a Buddha all this seemed nonsense. Why am I, as a god, bothered about saving or losing buttons? I saw myself - and everyone else - playing with buttons, attributing high value to them. It seemed pathetic and childish. Now, some time after the whole trip, back to my "normal" mind, I care about money a lot less. I think my relationship with it is a lot healthier.
These were my main experiences, the main teachings I gained from my Ayahuasca journey. There was also some vomiting, getting rid of baggage, and feeling like the whole universe is loaded into my brain. I think it was the single most profound, most therapeutic and most transformative experience I`ve ever had in my life. I`ll definitely do it again when I`m ready!
